Obsequious Behavior
Sycophants
The word sycophant stuck in my mind after a recent comment on the blog, regarding other people who commented on a certain post. Which is why I’m thinking of “obsequious behavior”. I’m fairly confident I could never be accused of this. No one could ever accuse me of being a people pleaser. Like the dishonest judge in the Gospel, I have little respect for anyone. Well, that isn’t exactly true, I do respect people, I’ve never been very good at pleasing people however. The vulgar term for obsequious is “suck up” - a term I detest, a behavior I despise.
Priests and religious often encounter this behavior in people. Truth be told, anyone of influence or status is the recipient of obsequious behavior; a professor, a teacher, a manager, etc. One usually recognizes this - even amongst gangsters. Oftentimes, it is relatively innocent, the obsequious person is genuinely impressed with the authority figure they fawn over, and want to please them without a great deal of self-interest. Although, the ambitious and/or the disingenuous are often motivated from the desire of gaining favor, or special treatment.
What motivates
Sometimes the obsequious person seeks to improve their personal status through the familiarity, and the greater recognition they enjoy with the esteemed person. (Take my picture with the Archbishop!) They imagine it elevates their status. Hence, their exaggerated attention upon the person who will do this for them.
“Church ladies” frequently do this. Take Hyacinth Bucket for instance, the status climbing heroine of the British comedy, “Keeping Up Appearances”. Of course she is greatly exaggerated, although I have met her type. More frequently one is able to see this with younger people, who seem to enjoy having a list of priests they are “friends” with, although I shouldn’t neglect to mention the parish volunteers. It turns out there is a sort of “celebrity quotient” some Catholics like to assign to priests. I have met many who enjoy nothing better than to name drop their priest and academic acquaintances.
It isn’t a bad thing, to be sure; many, outside of the respective fields, enjoy the friendship of priests and academics. In such friendships there is an intellectual, even spiritual component upon which the friendship is based. Such friendships are not at all obsequious, and these are quite normal.
Pride of place.
I’m referring to the situation wherein a person seeks to elevate their status through association. As well as those who want Father to recognize “I’m a good boy.” Or the authority figure to recognize the person’s talents, charm, intelligence or accomplishments. It is not to suggest an employee or parish worker should not try to impress his boss with the talents he has, nor imply the student who produces good research and papers is being obsequious, not at all.
The obsequious person has a deeper need, a need for recognition and acceptance, as well as a desire for affirmation, which can lead to vain glory and pride. There is a dark side to obsequious behavior, completely disassociated with legitimate commerce, mutual friendship or social cordiality’s.
Tanguerey has this to say about vanity - or vainglory:
“Vanity is an inordinate love for the esteem of others. It differs from pride, which is pleasure taken in one’s own excellence; although it generally springs from pride. When one has conceived too high an esteem for oneself one naturally desires the approbation of others.” - The Spiritual Life
Normally, one is not conscious of the behavior.
If you have ever seen the movie, “All About Eve” you will know what I am getting at. Eve Harrington was the epitome of the obsequious ingenue, although she was aware of her connivance to attain fame, she demonstrates the underlying motives of the obsequious person. It is always about their self aggrandizement. Of course, not as sinister as Eve Harrington, nevertheless, the self-seeking can be an obstacle to personal growth, assuming the person is concerned with that. For the “other directed” that is, the person who experiences their self-worth and self-esteem from the attention or praise of others, this can be a great obstacle to one’s spiritual growth. Though it must be acknowledged that the desire to please others is not a fault in itself. Quite to the contrary, especially when practiced out of charity, showing respect to others, while striving to avoid giving offense - that is virtue.
Spiritual directors must always be on guard for this fault in their clients, especially when they may esteem a gift or virtue, or more basely, the charm or beauty, a client may posess. Many penitents/directees will sometimes only present their best side; excusing, even hiding faults in order to appear balanced and in control of their spiritual, as well as moral life. I think most priests are pretty good at recognizing this. It is usually only the obsequious person who is oblivious to their own personality trait.
They innocently may have lived their childhood and adolescence seeking to please a parent, or to measure up to a sibling, or to appear “normal” or even “superior” to their peers, because their home life may have been disordered, even chaotic. There are many reason why a person develops this trait. As they mature, most people tend to assimilate the trait into acceptable social behavior, wherein it is less obvious and obnoxious. Some never achieve such integration however, like poor Hyacinth Bucket.
Sometimes such faults can only be purified through many humiliations, while in extreme cases, only in the dark night - or purgatory if these don’t work.
(Editors note: Unfortunately, I write from experience.)
June 8th, 2007 at 3:40 am
I don’t know, Terry, I’ve often found that that sort does a lot more good than the sort who stand on the sidelines ridiculing them. At least you can usually count on them to actually lift a finger to help out. Their detractors are usually too busy sniping.
June 8th, 2007 at 5:21 am
Terry:
I have to get a copy of Tanguerey’s, A Spiritual Life. Next on my to-do list. Maybe you can do a post on finding a good Spiritual Director, which is also on my list. Great posts, especially this one and the prior one on humility (honestly, not trying to “suck up!”)
June 8th, 2007 at 6:43 am
Terry
I am really distressed to see you ripping on my fave, Hyacinth “Boo-kay” of “Keeping Up Appearances.”
Hyacinth does not seek status. She only strives to improve the lot of her exceedingly meek husband, who, without her constant vigilance and efforts, might not have achieved his importance as a mid-level executive of his borough council’s accounting department.
June 8th, 2007 at 7:15 am
Didn’t mean you, of course. I have memories of seeing people hurt badly by that sort of thing. Still sticks in my craw.
June 8th, 2007 at 7:23 am
Very, very good points, Terry. I do think also sometimes people mistake politeness and being respectful for obsequiousness, simply because everything nowadays is so crass.
June 8th, 2007 at 7:26 am
I mull these terms over in my head and think of real life examples - which is usually myself - in this case, perhaps not so much.
But as jeffrey said - these are the types who accomplish and get things done - so you see, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing at all - the underlying motives may need some attention however. And yes Jeffrey - those of us on the sidelines criticizing are doing so because the others have gotten all the praise and attention!
I’m sorry Ray to offend your dear Hyacinth, I should maybe have you over for one of my candlelight dinners!
(If there were no comments I was going to take the post down this morning.)
June 8th, 2007 at 7:47 am
Swiss Miss - Funny, but I have never experienced anyone sucking up on any of my posts - so I knew you weren’t!
But thanks!
Tanquerey’s book may be out of print and so you probably would have to search the Internet or Loome’s in Stillwater for a copy. What is neat about the work is that it isn’t something you read cover to cover - it is more like a text book on spiritiuality - everything divided into topics, etc.
When I was younger and full of myself - more so than now - I preferred to only read the original authors, John of the Cross, Rolle, Hilton, and other mystical authors, and never read Garrigou-Lagrange or Tanquerey and others, because I thought they were “derivative” and the original sources would be much better. I laugh now at such pride and egoism and arrogance, on my part - I was a devil.
It is good to get old and learn these things about oneself.
June 8th, 2007 at 7:49 am
Elena - That is especially true!
June 8th, 2007 at 11:07 am
Terry, on your comment #7: my religious studies professor always encouraged me to read the original author’s works, but I’m not sure I really did that (except for St. Augustine’s *Confessions*). Anyway, I’m one of these people pleasers you’re talking about and I did learn after many years of humiliations just what was the root cause of my behavior. I’m still working on purifying my intentions. In some ways I’m still an emotional adolescent (never got that Fatherly affection) and is probably also the root cause of my SSA, but who knows???
June 8th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
Terry: The priestly fan club groupies come to mind when I first read this post. You KNOW exactly what I mean. There are some priests who are very popular for one reason or another-both trads and progs. They attract a crowd of sycophants and folks who follow them from parish to parish, speaking engagement to speaking engagement. They are fawned over in a way that’s scary. Really, in this case, is it the man or is it the message that people should be ga-gaa over?
I started reading some Tanguerey this past week! How coincidental is that?
You are still a malicious bastard-just thought I’d continue your desire for humiliation that you expressed on your other blog.
June 8th, 2007 at 2:46 pm
Cathy - You are a pretty smart cookie! How is it you know who I have in mind when I write? And thank you for the malicious bastard recognition - you are the ONLY one who aptly descibed me. (But quit trying to suck up!
You are pretty darn perceptive though!
June 8th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
Oh, alright, you squeezed it out of me. Yes, I did once have tea with Hyacinthe Bucket and her charming C. of E. Vicar. But it was long ago and in another life.
June 8th, 2007 at 7:37 pm
Tanquerary’s book is available from the Catholic Information Center’s online bookstore. That’s where I got my copy.
June 8th, 2007 at 7:40 pm
I just checked — “The Spiritual Life” is also available on Amazon. And it’s $32, so free shipping!
June 8th, 2007 at 8:56 pm
OK, Terry, I get the message. I’ll stop sucking up to you and seeking your esteem, and dropping your name.
Ok seriously, don’t take this post down because I see so much truth in it. I’m with Elena, in that sometimes this behavior can be recognized in people who are really just being polite, expressing their everyday personality, etc.
There are people who love to refer to their priest friends…some are sincere, the priest friends were peers in school or something, and there are others who use the term “friend” far too loosely.
Those who use the term loosely in this context can also be misunderstood.
I think we all have a need for affirmation from people we respect, but of course, what you describe is taking this need too far, and yes, they are likely oblivious to it, and yes, such behavior stems not from necessarily conscious motives, but from upbringing and a lack of a good father or something.
I think this is a great post.
Oh, there I go, sucking up again…if I had a Spiritual Director, I’d discuss this with him, but I guess I’ll instead just call my friend the good Cardinal….