Adoration today.
That “thing”.
While at adoration today I experienced “the thing” again. It is almost like a panic attack. From time to time, since I was little, I experienced “it” - especially on Sundays.
When I was little, and almost until my teens, “blue laws” were in effect. Stores were not open, nor were bars. Everything was closed on Sundays. As a kid I always felt there was nothing to do on Sundays. There were no Perpetual Adoration chapels back then, and being from a non-practicing Catholic family, church stuff wasn’t a part of our life.
Sundays were boring. By midday, after having attended Mass, I believe I experience what the monastic fathers would term, the “noon day devil” - acedia. I called it “the thing”. It caused me to run for money to get an ice cream cone or go to a movie. (My family never did family things, and we never had company.)
Feast day devils.
It often hit me on Sundays or feast days - a Franciscan priest I knew referred to this as “feast day devils”. It is a feeling that the bottom dropped out of your stomach, an anxious feeling sometimes. Spiritual exercises are not at all satisfying, sometimes they are even repulsive. (Or, as when I was younger, a violent assault of temptations.) You may experience the consolation of “knowing you are praying or at adoration” but you dread leaving, because you will be plunged into that void again.
That is why Rose’s line in “Moonstruck” always resonated with me when she said, “Cosmo, you’re gonna die!” She realized her husband cheated because of his existential fear of death, that fear of disolving into oblivion. (That, BTW, and I’m convinced of this, is part of the reason why many people do drugs and become alcoholics, even sex addicts.) It seemed I understood this once again today - it seemed as if Our Lord wanted me to understand it.
Avoiding the cross.
When I lived in Boston, this “noon day devil” thing was one reason I fell away for a short time. It was a dreadful experience. Less informed persons would say it was the dark night, in fact they did - no, it was acedia. (That is why wanna-be contemplatives must talk to “learned men” as Teresa of Avila would say, or have an experienced confessor. People so like to think everthing is the dark night. We should be so lucky as to have God do everything for us like that.)
The emptiness of my solitude, my inexperience, and dryness in my spiritual exercises, along with a difficulty in handling temptations - often panicking me when they presented - pretty much exhausted me. My experience of self was nothing - boredom - which I would not at all admit, to myself or my spiritual director. (Big mistake! Big! Don’t try to appear spiritually mature to your spiritual director - especially if he is not.) My greatest fear was that it wouldn’t end - I’d be stuck in my helplessness forever. So I went out to the bars to escape - I know - you would be surprised how easy it is to backslide, all of you convinced of your holiness. (Anyway - it was the disco era!)
Love your misery.
Having said all this - I experienced “the thing” again today. The nice thing about getting older, you learn from your mistakes - although you are never secure! You slowly, gradually, learn to stop trying to escape the cross of your misery. You learn to have faith, and you begin to understand hope overcomes all - you cling to that confidence, even if it is only in your confidence. You also discover love is not a feeling - it isn’t a gratification.
Sometimes when you look at Jesus, face to face in that bland host, totally silent, and you feel nothing - and that scares you - something is happening, but you don’t know what it is. I can’t remember the psalm, but the penitent expresses to the Lord, “I was stupid and did not understand”…
Without him we can do nothing.
It also occurred to me, that sometimes we “say” prayers, or read, even take notes in a journal, to fill time - to avoid this experience of our impotence…when sometimes, it is an invitation to “sit alone and in silence” with Jesus who is alone in this august Sacrament of love. And sometimes we leave Him there - because we are not “getting anything out of it”. Sometimes we are stupid and just don’t understand. Yes, I left after an hour. I was stupid, and did not understand.
My Jesus Mercy!
June 17th, 2007 at 8:32 pm
Get out of my brain Terry! That post was beautiful and scary.
June 17th, 2007 at 8:45 pm
Beautiful!!
(”Moonstruck” was on TCM yesterday. It has some good lines, and some really bad ones.)
June 17th, 2007 at 9:03 pm
Acedia. Never heard of it before. Kind of explains some things to me.
BTW: I am getting Tanquerey’s book. Thanks for citing it in your blog and introducing me to it.
June 17th, 2007 at 9:36 pm
It IS easy to backslide. How easy it is, in fact, not only to backslide, but to delude yourself into thinking that your backsliding is actually spiritual progress.
When I pray the Sorrowful Mysteries, I offer up my crosses and struggles to bear them in union with His Cross, and His terrible journey to Calvary, in reparation for all the (many) times I’ve tried to run away from crosses.
June 18th, 2007 at 12:16 am
A graphic novel which explores the response of the Church to suffering within its realm is available from: http://www.forbiddenplanet.co.uk
There’s also a preview at: http://www.all-creatures.org/fol/ann-theleast.html
Whilst the book challenges certain attitudes and dogma it remains a Catholic (if underground) comic.
All the best,
Martin
June 18th, 2007 at 6:51 am
I’ve been dealing with (or not dealing, as the case may be) acedia for about 2 years now (with only 2 or 3 interruptions of *shafts of joy,* i call them, which lasted for about 5 seconds each). It’s very hard to accept the fact that you’re stupid & don’t get it. That quietness in the alone time: I get so repulsed by it. I can’t settle down & just PRAY, either rote prayers or from the heart. So I look for distractions & usually fall into a habitual sin.
I’ve been feeling the call to attend Mass for frequently. This morning I went to Mass & stayed for rosary after. It was bland, but good.
June 18th, 2007 at 9:52 am
Terry … I’m really getting to be a regular on your blog … this is another great post! And Jeron (the one who commented just above me) … I LOVE your “shafts of joy” explanation as this has happened clearly to myself and my husband too. Once after Divine Mercy Sunday … and once following Sunday Mass … but as far as always praying properly, I thought I’d share this story: I see a Korean acupuncturist/herbalist who recommended to my husband and me the art of deep breathing. He himself on a daily basis jogs half “his distance,” goes to a park and breathes deeply facing the rising sun for a full thirty minutes, then finishes off with his other half of running. He says it is helpful in gaining more energy for the day in addition to other health benefits. Now, what I thought was really interesting, is that he said (after explaining the exercise), “Now I’ve known people who have done this daily, and to get really good at it and reap all its benefits, it takes about thirty years.” (Yes, we chuckled too!) Well … I thought of my doctor and his deep breathing when I read your post, Terry. I love the connection to Catholicism and prayer. (And, by the way, my husband and I have indeed taken up the doctor’s suggestion. We walk to daily Mass saying the Rosary, go to Mass, walk to the nearby park saying a novena to St. Therese, deep breathe towards the rising sun for just 10 minutes - we’re newbies - and continue on walking home saying another Rosary. Now, in about thirty years …
June 18th, 2007 at 10:31 am
“It IS easy to backslide. How easy it is, in fact, not only to backslide, but to delude yourself into thinking that your backsliding is actually spiritual progress.”
Anita - that is a really excellent point!
Also, I should have clarified in the post that it is not at all wrong to read, to recite numerous prayers, or journal in adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. Heavens NO!
Everyone prays as they can - I should have said sometimes I occupy myself in adoration to fill time. The important point is that we are there, with Jesus, and it is our intentions he sees and approves.
Anyone should realize just being there for whatever time alotted is a prayer in itself and a source of grace. No matter how we pray, vocal, lectio, mental prayer, holy card prayers - it is all good.
I was really speaking of my own experience in the post.
One of the remedies for acedia is activity, reading, recitation of vocal prayers - in the East they’d say prostrations, etc. We can’t make ourselves contemplatives.
I’m sorry if I come off as saying that.
All of us can only pray as we can - just don’t grow tired of it and give it up.
June 18th, 2007 at 10:40 am
Jeanette and all, Thanks much - remember I’m no expert on anything, except all the mistakes I’ve made and continue to make.
You and your husband’s routine sounds cool!
Also, we are all newbies.
June 18th, 2007 at 10:46 am
Jeanette, I like what your acupuncturist suggested re: breathing before the sun. From a Christian perspective, greeting the rising sun (a great symbol for Christ Jesus) with attention like that seems to me to be a very good thing.
Terry, I’m learning to be “ok” with not having any predetermined or expected “experience” before the Blessed Sacrament. I’m reminded of a quote by St. Francis de Sales: “When you come before the Lord, talk to Him if you can; if you can’t, just stay there, let yourself be seen, and don’t try too hard to do anything else!” I’m finding I’m pretty good at letting myself be seen.
June 18th, 2007 at 10:49 am
Wow jeron - you are just full of spiritual riches today! The Francis De sales quote would have been just enough for the post. Thanks!
June 18th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
Jeron - That’s interesting what you said about the rising sun being “a great symbol for Christ Jesus,” because a few days ago on the way to the park to “deep breathe,” my husband said, “Are we going to go look at the sun today?” and I said is that s-u-n or S-o-n?
Terry - Although I love hearing what the saints had to say via quotes, and the Francis De Sales one is wonderful, I also like reading your longer posts too! No need to abbreviate good stuff.
June 20th, 2007 at 6:25 pm
I’ve had a three part penance. I took care on one part that very day, the next part over several days and the last part is here on your blog staring me in the face asking why I haven’t taken care of that third part yet…Adoration. Amen.