The raising of my brother.
“Dying, you restored our life.” - Eucharistic acclamation.
When my brother Skip died I asked Fr. Pingatore if we could use a special Gospel for his funeral Mass, and Fr. immediately said we could only use the ones provided. I said I knew that, but I wanted him to use the Gospel of the raising of Lazarus. It was then Father got tears in his eyes and said, “That is the gospel I intended to use.” Fr. Pingatore knew my brother well, and he loved him. We both knew Skip had been dead for a long time, and now he had been raised.
Skip suffered throughout his entire life. As an adult, he liked to drink, and as his depression increased so did his drinking. His wife left him, although they remained “friends”. Skip was a lonely man and longed to be loved, something he never experienced from our parents, and then, when his marriage failed, I think he felt he wasn’t worthy of love. The shameful things our parents told him, “You’re no good, you never will be.” haunted him throughout his life. I think the loneliness and shame became much more intense the last few years of his life. He cut himself off from most people, and more or less entombed himself in his house.
Defensive detachment.
We all tried to get close to him, to help him in or out of treatment, with prayers and encouragement. But he assured us he was alright. I couldn’t understand why the Lord allowed him to suffer so much, and when his last illness came, I prayed that our Lord would take him quickly. Liver disease is a horrible thing to die from. In Skip’s case, he bled from his pores and his eyes and nose and mouth. It was a terrifying sight.
Fr. Pingatore heard his confession and brought him communion, and eventually Skip died at home, on the feast of Our Lady of Loreto. His life had become a living death, and sadly, the doctors and nurses seemed to have left him for dead. While he was still in the hospital, I could see the contempt in their faces for the man they regarded as a hopeless alcoholic. I was sure they thought what many healthy people often say, “He brought it upon himself.” In their eyes, Skip was as good as dead.
The raising of Lazarus.
Which is why I thought of the gospel of the raising of Lazarus for his funeral, and, as I came to find out, why Fr. Pingatore wanted to use it as well. Skip was dead before he died - his physical death truly was a liberation from so much suffering - not so much the suffering due to the effects of alcoholism, rather the suffering of being alone and unloved. You see, the hopeless alcoholic is oftentimes left for dead - no one can help him. Thus, the alcoholic can become entombed in his isolation, literally repelling others by the stench of his disease.
In and through the sacraments, Skip was raised and awaited the call of Jesus to come forth from his tomb. Suffering to the end, he died very peacefully. Coming from Mass on the morning of his death, I understood that “his illness is not to end in death, but is for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” (Jn. 11)
“Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”
Our Lord could have healed Skip - healed him of his alcoholism, his depression, his loneliness, but it wasn’t meant to be. God’s mercy was far more glorified by the return of his lost sheep, and by his sharing in the resurrection of Christ. Jesus Christ came to save sinners, and my brother has been saved.
“Jesus said, ‘Did I not tell you that if you believe you will see the glory of God?’”- (Jn. 11)
(Note: My brother Skip had been a successful businessman and was something of a philanthropist, although he had not been a practicing Catholic until his health began to decline and he was hospitalized.)
[Art: “Souls in purgatory.” I used this image because my niece (Skip’s daughter) had a dream shortly after her dad died. In the dream she opened a door, only to find my brother standing in a fiery inferno with his arms outstretched. She asked if it meant he was in hell. I explained that it must be purgatory and he was asking for prayers. Some time later, after the Gregorian Masses had been completed in Poland, I had an experience assuring me that my brother was in heaven. Believe or not.]
