Abbey-Roads2

 

Men who have sex with men.

After I write about things related to homosexuality, I get emails from men who have, or have had, sex with other men.  The men who have sex with men are usually in opposition to Catholic teaching which calls these men to live chastely in obedience to the commandments.  The men who have had sex with men in the past are normally those who are faithful to the Catholic Church and observe chastity.  These men know of course that the Church does not require them to change their sexual orientation, but to abstain from  sexual activity with persons of their own sex.  Just as the Church asks all single people to remain chaste until lawfully married to a person of the opposite sex.  It is pretty simple and straightforward, really. 

An email conversation.

I’ll reprint here an email conversation I had recently with a fellow who is in Courage, a terrific apostolate for men and women dealing with same sex attraction, offering support and community in which to find stability in their efforts to live chastely and celibately.

First email from Fred:  (Fred is his made up name and he will be corresponding with Paul Varjak.  We are characters from Breakfast At Tiffany’s.  Oh just pretend.)

i’m doing better today.  i took time to give up the formal prayer and begin my day with an exasperated “look, here is where i’m at” prayer this morning.  then after i took a shower, i returned to my room & prayed morning prayer.  there were some good psalms this morning that made me think, but i’ll be darned if i could tell you now what they were about.   i’m really getting a lot out of dr. nicolosi’s 2nd book, *healing homosexuality.*  i see a bit of myself in each & every case study he presents.  the implication is “ok, now what?” i’ll attach the points i’ve typed out from nicolosi’s book that have struck me particularly.  i know that *courage* is more of a spiritual program vs. change therapy - as it should be - but i don’t think we talk about the “change” aspect of it enough.  it seems to me we do a good job at saying “this is what i’ve done, & this is where i am,” but we don’t do enough encouragement in helping people HEAL.  whatever that means.

Fred’s notes from Dr. Nicolosi’s book:

ISSUES BROUGHT TO LIGHT BY DR. NICOLOSI

1. Alienation from the body 

1.  
   1. tendency for gay men to perceive their own male body with a detached fascination < object vs. subject >

1.  
   1. this feeling of not owning one’s body may take the form of inferiority or superiority, but there is never a relaxed connectedness with it  < parents made me feel ashamed of my body >

n      excessive modesty < unwillingness to take shirt off >

n      or exhibitionism  – both of these are forms of alienation from the body

1.  
   1. tendency to observe himself and his bodily movements vs. sensing self as “being” his moving body.  Lacking this trust & confidence in his natural movements, he is likely to envy this quality in straight guys 

1.  for this reason & others, dr. nicolosi sees H. as not simply a sexual problem, but a larger problem of being in the world

1.  
   1. You are your body; you are centered in your maleness.  You don’t carry it, it carries you. 

n      a sense of centeredness in masculinity vs. “look-at-my-body” trip stemming from narcissism 

1. Self-Mentor Talk

1.  
   1. reparative therapy technique.  The practice of talking to self in the voice of an internalized, benevolent father < self-parenting >

1. Parental abandonment  < physical or emotional >

1.  
   1. leads to inner emptiness and anger < neither parent played games w/me or really talked to me.  I always felt like I was in the way >.  I feel sorry for that kid, sitting on the floor in the basement with no one to play with; no one to share his game

Response from Paul Varjak.

Active Catholic gays hate that man you know.

Response from Fred.

well that doesn’t surprise me.  i don’t know that i knew who he was by name, but i was certainly aware of the work that was being done re: change therapy when i was living the life throughout the ’90’s & up through july 2004.   even into 2006 i resisted the notion of “change therapy.”   it’s amazing to me how my notions of what it means to be “gay” have changed just over the last 4 years.  it MUST be God’s grace working in me, no matter how much i tend to resist the pain of change. 

Response from Paul Varjack.

See - this is what gay culture does - it reinforces the gay identity in a person and affirms him in preserving that difference - it is a form of pride, albeit debased.

It seems to me Nicolosi’s book may be read to help one arrive at a change in attitude.  I think the biggest hurdle to a change in attitude to what it means to be gay is the huge leap it must be for a person to come out - or accept being gay in the first place - then giving in to the idea it is normative, etc.  It’s almost like brainwashing today.  So the idea that change is possible, or if not, that the reasons one is gay most likely is psychological, emotional, etc - it is just very difficult to accept and requires great honesty.  I don’t think everyone can change, and thankfully, that is not what the Church reuires,  but such insights into the nature of being gay have to be helpful in understanding the disorder.  It is God’s grace of course, which opens souls to the truth.

Nevertheless, gay culture is virulent in promoting the idea homosexuality is normative - and the world believes them.  

Response from Fred:

yes, it does.  believe me - i’m VERY conflicted about moving away from these feelings.  but the more i realize they stem from psycho/emotional/relational, gender / peer issues, the more i feel responsible to do something about it.  i DON’T like being consumed with feelings of inadequacy and suspicion to the point where i’m ALWAYS comparing myself to others & coming up short.  and here’s the clincher:  how can i serve God honestly and faithfully if  i’m constantly not dealing with these issues, but “surviving them” instead?  

Response from Paul Varjack:

Excellent point.  My other reaction is, “You must be so tired of the struggle - can’t it just go away?”  You have real courage.  

Response from Fred:

part of the good side of this issue is that the narth folks < from what i’ve read > don’t hold out that a person *must* be successful in converting their homosexual feelings to the normative heterosexual.  

fr. harvey says:  the opposite of homosexuality is not hetersexuality.  the opposite of homosexuality is holiness.  

i’m not interested in getting to a point where i can look at a woman and get turned on.  i want to be integrated and able to live a life of chastity / celibacy < God willing > without this internal hatred thing going on.  

thanks for thinking i have courage.  i’m not so sure.  i fall so short of even DESIRING / WANTING to do God’s will.  i’m still attached to my old feelings / ways of thinking.

Response from Paul Varjack: 

I will never understand how guys who seem to be so well adjusted with being gay can handle it.  It seems to me they are deluded somehow.  They definitely resist the idea of change, even the aspect of SSA being a disorder - which is why they hate Narth and call it psuedo-science and insist it is all about change therapy.  Not everyone has the will to change - but everyone can be chaste.  

Response from Fred:

you tell yourself you’re happy.  at least for myself, once i started really beleiving i had no other choice but to accept “my truth of being gay,” then i did all i could to make the lifestyle normal.  but there was something always conflicted within myself that said “this is never going to work.”  i drank, danced, ate, & had sex to beat the band to MAKE it alright.  i didn’t find real, solid inner peace until i began to question the whole validity of the gay life.  

once i came to accept that the Church was right and i was wrong, a peace just flooded over me.  FINALLY my behavior could match what my internal beliefs told me.

my remaining problem is that while i give the assent of faith with my mind to the Church, my HEART is still engaged elsewhere.  maybe not totally, but it is still inclined towards what fr. x calls “the fleshpots of egypt.”   terry … i so long to FEEL the love my will strives < and often fails > to bend towards.   

Response from Paul Varjack:

This is why we need purifying trials - it takes time to cleanse the residue of sin the clings to us, even after we repent, and despite the fact our nature hates discipline.  Our failures makes us more humble and reliant upon God’s grace and mercy.  Healing takes time.  We go forward one step at a time, often falling and rising, if we persevere, we all find the healing Christ promises, no matter what sin we are trying to overcome.  

In conclusion.

So that is an email exchange I had with a reader.  This weekend Rainbow Sash people will be trying to usurp the Church’s teaching and present themselves for sacrilegious communion.  It is good for all of the faithful to remember how important it is to remain faithful to Church teaching and to observe chastity according to our state in life.

I think we are all well advised to pray for our bishops and priests who need to safeguard these folks from committing sacrilege, as well as to pray for the conversion of sinners. 

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