Abbey-Roads2

A friendly commenter posed this question on another post:

“Obviously, sexuality is a gift from God. How is a homosexual supposed to accept his sexuality, if not as part of their basic makeup?”

My answer:

Remember - this is only my personal opinion.  That said - yes, sexuality is a gift from God, “God made them male and female.”  He made us heterosexual, male and female.  At best, I believe homosexuality is really more a temptation for the heterosexual person, or an aberration of human sexuality.  Fundamentally, the person is always heterosexual.  The inclination to homosexuality is an objective disorder; Natural law, Tradition, the Church, psychology (up until recently) all agree on this.  God does not create disorder.  We can say the problem is the result of the fall of man - original sin - which is hotly contested in today’s world.  I’m convinced it is all basic anthropology, theology, and so on.  It just takes lots of humility and prayer and suffering to come to terms with that.

“Some men are incapable of sexual activity from birth.” 

However, some people claim they were born this way.  Maybe so - just as some people are born blind, others mentally challenged, other’s without arms or legs, others conjoined, and so on.  These are all disorders in the natural order.  Oftentimes these people seem to have extraordinary gifts that seem to compensate for the disorder they were born with, others may find a cure, most learn to live with it, and develop their other gifts. 

“Some have been deliberately made so.”

Other people, perhaps under duress, may have been “made this way” from some outside cause, or they may have mistaken temptation for sexual identity.  In other words, homosexuality may have become a coping mechanism, an acquired behavior, an accommodation, or an adaptation of sorts.  Possibly, but not always,  due to trauma, same-sex peer rejection, feelings of inferiority,  lack of identity with a same sex parent or sibling, sexual molestation or shaming, or any number of reasons, the person might be said to have “chosen” or “accepted” the inclination; albeit without total freedom or even informed consent - merely as an unconscious “adaptation”.  Upon discovery of the homosexual culture, the person may have recognized it as a “safe place”, a state of being, or lifestyle supported by like-minded, non-threatening people.   In this way, one eventually begins to believe and say, “Yeah!  That is me.  I’ve always been this way - so I’m gay!  I found my niche!”  This goes along with my theory that many people are deceived, and for whatever reasons, want to be deceived.  It is just that however, my theory.

Yes, yes, I know that is all very simplistic and some people would have us believe homosexuals are like angels, each an unique species unto himself, in an unique lifestyle.  But the basic fact is, the homosexual’s real sexual identity is heterosexual - male or female, the temptation or inclination, indeed in some cases, the compulsion to act out with the same sex is disordered.  I’m convinced that people with this disorder are called to chastity - they can, and oftentimes do, share their life with a partner - who both agree to abstain from sexual relations with one another and others, for the love of God and the peace of conscience.  (BTW - that is what I always mean by chastity for single people - NO SEX - not even “self-cultivation”, no porn, no cruising, no fantasizing, no sex.)

“Some there are who have freely renounced sex  for the sake of God’s reign.”

Other people with these inclinations may live in religious communities - I can’t really speak to that however.  Others find support in programs such as Courage.  Many will find support in same-sex friendship - if the friendships are chaste and they permit themselves to relate this way.  Yet all will find support in prayer, the sacraments, a life of service and charity, and living in obedience to Catholic Church teaching.  As another friend said, “Holiness is the opposite of homosexuality.”

“Deny your very self, take up your cross and follow me.”

If one chooses to live a chaste and celibate life, that person thinks they have done a great deal - and indeed they have.  But I’m convinced there is one thing more a person can do to become a saint, as in the story of the rich young man:  “If you wish to be perfect, you must sell what you have and give to the poor, and then follow Christ.”  I interpret that to mean, if one really wants to be free, they need to renounce their very self that identifies as gay - since saying - “I’m same-sex attracted”, “I’m gay”, “I’m homosexual”, holds the person captive in that milieu or cultural mindset.  The soul is still attached and held by that little thread, imprisoned in that broken image of self.  It is one of the most difficult things for gay people to do, to renounce their attachment to their unique-ness as gay people.  Very often it means taking a very hard look into the painful past, in order to understand the cause of their disorientation.  But, “what is impossible for man, is possible for God”. 

“Not everyone can accept this teaching.” - Matthew 19:10-12

And no - I am not saying one no longer experiences homosexual inclinations, or that all people are to be totally healed, or they should suddenly want to marry a member of the opposite sex.  But by the grace of God, and often times long effort, they can experience detachment from homosexuality as their core identity,  and will to live as the new creation the Blood of Christ won for them.  And most especially, find strength to resist the temptations of the world, the flesh, and the devil, all of which conspire to cause the fall of one resolved to live chastely.

I know people who have done this - I know people who have been freed from the yoke of slavery the sin of homosexuality becomes.  While the very conflict and struggle can be a means to great sanctity.    

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Men who have sex with men.

After I write about things related to homosexuality, I get emails from men who have, or have had, sex with other men.  The men who have sex with men are usually in opposition to Catholic teaching which calls these men to live chastely in obedience to the commandments.  The men who have had sex with men in the past are normally those who are faithful to the Catholic Church and observe chastity.  These men know of course that the Church does not require them to change their sexual orientation, but to abstain from  sexual activity with persons of their own sex.  Just as the Church asks all single people to remain chaste until lawfully married to a person of the opposite sex.  It is pretty simple and straightforward, really. 

An email conversation.

I’ll reprint here an email conversation I had recently with a fellow who is in Courage, a terrific apostolate for men and women dealing with same sex attraction, offering support and community in which to find stability in their efforts to live chastely and celibately.

First email from Fred:  (Fred is his made up name and he will be corresponding with Paul Varjak.  We are characters from Breakfast At Tiffany’s.  Oh just pretend.)

i’m doing better today.  i took time to give up the formal prayer and begin my day with an exasperated “look, here is where i’m at” prayer this morning.  then after i took a shower, i returned to my room & prayed morning prayer.  there were some good psalms this morning that made me think, but i’ll be darned if i could tell you now what they were about.   i’m really getting a lot out of dr. nicolosi’s 2nd book, *healing homosexuality.*  i see a bit of myself in each & every case study he presents.  the implication is “ok, now what?” i’ll attach the points i’ve typed out from nicolosi’s book that have struck me particularly.  i know that *courage* is more of a spiritual program vs. change therapy - as it should be - but i don’t think we talk about the “change” aspect of it enough.  it seems to me we do a good job at saying “this is what i’ve done, & this is where i am,” but we don’t do enough encouragement in helping people HEAL.  whatever that means.

Fred’s notes from Dr. Nicolosi’s book:

ISSUES BROUGHT TO LIGHT BY DR. NICOLOSI

1. Alienation from the body 

1.  
   1. tendency for gay men to perceive their own male body with a detached fascination < object vs. subject >

1.  
   1. this feeling of not owning one’s body may take the form of inferiority or superiority, but there is never a relaxed connectedness with it  < parents made me feel ashamed of my body >

n      excessive modesty < unwillingness to take shirt off >

n      or exhibitionism  – both of these are forms of alienation from the body

1.  
   1. tendency to observe himself and his bodily movements vs. sensing self as “being” his moving body.  Lacking this trust & confidence in his natural movements, he is likely to envy this quality in straight guys 

1.  for this reason & others, dr. nicolosi sees H. as not simply a sexual problem, but a larger problem of being in the world

1.  
   1. You are your body; you are centered in your maleness.  You don’t carry it, it carries you. 

n      a sense of centeredness in masculinity vs. “look-at-my-body” trip stemming from narcissism 

1. Self-Mentor Talk

1.  
   1. reparative therapy technique.  The practice of talking to self in the voice of an internalized, benevolent father < self-parenting >

1. Parental abandonment  < physical or emotional >

1.  
   1. leads to inner emptiness and anger < neither parent played games w/me or really talked to me.  I always felt like I was in the way >.  I feel sorry for that kid, sitting on the floor in the basement with no one to play with; no one to share his game

Response from Paul Varjak.

Active Catholic gays hate that man you know.

Response from Fred.

well that doesn’t surprise me.  i don’t know that i knew who he was by name, but i was certainly aware of the work that was being done re: change therapy when i was living the life throughout the ’90’s & up through july 2004.   even into 2006 i resisted the notion of “change therapy.”   it’s amazing to me how my notions of what it means to be “gay” have changed just over the last 4 years.  it MUST be God’s grace working in me, no matter how much i tend to resist the pain of change. 

Response from Paul Varjack.

See - this is what gay culture does - it reinforces the gay identity in a person and affirms him in preserving that difference - it is a form of pride, albeit debased.

It seems to me Nicolosi’s book may be read to help one arrive at a change in attitude.  I think the biggest hurdle to a change in attitude to what it means to be gay is the huge leap it must be for a person to come out - or accept being gay in the first place - then giving in to the idea it is normative, etc.  It’s almost like brainwashing today.  So the idea that change is possible, or if not, that the reasons one is gay most likely is psychological, emotional, etc - it is just very difficult to accept and requires great honesty.  I don’t think everyone can change, and thankfully, that is not what the Church reuires,  but such insights into the nature of being gay have to be helpful in understanding the disorder.  It is God’s grace of course, which opens souls to the truth.

Nevertheless, gay culture is virulent in promoting the idea homosexuality is normative - and the world believes them.  

Response from Fred:

yes, it does.  believe me - i’m VERY conflicted about moving away from these feelings.  but the more i realize they stem from psycho/emotional/relational, gender / peer issues, the more i feel responsible to do something about it.  i DON’T like being consumed with feelings of inadequacy and suspicion to the point where i’m ALWAYS comparing myself to others & coming up short.  and here’s the clincher:  how can i serve God honestly and faithfully if  i’m constantly not dealing with these issues, but “surviving them” instead?  

Response from Paul Varjack:

Excellent point.  My other reaction is, “You must be so tired of the struggle - can’t it just go away?”  You have real courage.  

Response from Fred:

part of the good side of this issue is that the narth folks < from what i’ve read > don’t hold out that a person *must* be successful in converting their homosexual feelings to the normative heterosexual.  

fr. harvey says:  the opposite of homosexuality is not hetersexuality.  the opposite of homosexuality is holiness.  

i’m not interested in getting to a point where i can look at a woman and get turned on.  i want to be integrated and able to live a life of chastity / celibacy < God willing > without this internal hatred thing going on.  

thanks for thinking i have courage.  i’m not so sure.  i fall so short of even DESIRING / WANTING to do God’s will.  i’m still attached to my old feelings / ways of thinking.

Response from Paul Varjack: 

I will never understand how guys who seem to be so well adjusted with being gay can handle it.  It seems to me they are deluded somehow.  They definitely resist the idea of change, even the aspect of SSA being a disorder - which is why they hate Narth and call it psuedo-science and insist it is all about change therapy.  Not everyone has the will to change - but everyone can be chaste.  

Response from Fred:

you tell yourself you’re happy.  at least for myself, once i started really beleiving i had no other choice but to accept “my truth of being gay,” then i did all i could to make the lifestyle normal.  but there was something always conflicted within myself that said “this is never going to work.”  i drank, danced, ate, & had sex to beat the band to MAKE it alright.  i didn’t find real, solid inner peace until i began to question the whole validity of the gay life.  

once i came to accept that the Church was right and i was wrong, a peace just flooded over me.  FINALLY my behavior could match what my internal beliefs told me.

my remaining problem is that while i give the assent of faith with my mind to the Church, my HEART is still engaged elsewhere.  maybe not totally, but it is still inclined towards what fr. x calls “the fleshpots of egypt.”   terry … i so long to FEEL the love my will strives < and often fails > to bend towards.   

Response from Paul Varjack:

This is why we need purifying trials - it takes time to cleanse the residue of sin the clings to us, even after we repent, and despite the fact our nature hates discipline.  Our failures makes us more humble and reliant upon God’s grace and mercy.  Healing takes time.  We go forward one step at a time, often falling and rising, if we persevere, we all find the healing Christ promises, no matter what sin we are trying to overcome.  

In conclusion.

So that is an email exchange I had with a reader.  This weekend Rainbow Sash people will be trying to usurp the Church’s teaching and present themselves for sacrilegious communion.  It is good for all of the faithful to remember how important it is to remain faithful to Church teaching and to observe chastity according to our state in life.

I think we are all well advised to pray for our bishops and priests who need to safeguard these folks from committing sacrilege, as well as to pray for the conversion of sinners. 

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…Or teaching kids how to have sex.

When I was in the 6th grade - just a few years before the “sexual revolution” of the late 1960’s - Sr. Lillian, CSJ took it upon herself to instruct our class about sex.  Her first lessons sent us all to the dictionary to look up copulation, after she became concerned when we all laughed that, “Abraham saddled his ass” and when we read that Lot’s daughters slept with their dad.  (The “progressive”  Sr. Lillian was later ostracized from her community because she refused to give up the old habit and was a huge Fatima and Padre Pio devotee - which tells you something about just how liberal she really was.)

So anyway, when the sex education started, she supplied us with non-illustrated pamphlets on our bodies.  Blossoming pervert that I was, I took copious notes, writing out terms and definitions such as “gonads” and “testicles” and “penis”.  My friends and I would read the definitions to one another from these notes and booklets and the dictionary, laughing nervously, anxiously discussing when we would get our pubic hair.  My parents found my sex notes and accused me of things I didn’t even know the meaning of, which in turn, sent me to Confession, and more confusion about what “complete self-abuse” meant.  The thing is, all I learned about from Sister concerned our bodies, and that mine was different from a girl’s body.  (See - she really just didn’t want us laughing because “Abraham saddled his ass.”)  Yet for me - and my friends - this was too much information too soon - and I never figured out what ’self-abuse’ meant until 9th grade.

Do not awaken sex before its time.

I adapted that verse from the Song of Songs, “Do not awaken love before its time.”  In other words, in 6th, 7th, even 8th grade, I really didn’t have a clue about sexuality.  Sr. Lillian may have been instrumental in piquing our interest, but that was the extent of it.  I know things are different today, kids in 4th grade probably know as much about sex as I do now.  Sex is all over media - kids know it is not just kissing.

Rudimentary sex education in ‘health class’ does not seem inappropriate to me - especially if kids can discus these things with parents.  Nevertheless, I’m convinced that detailed sex education belongs to the parents first and foremost, and what children are taught in schools must  be monitored by parents.  Sr. Lillian never checked with the parents if it was okay to teach us about our bodies - and when I took my homework home, my parents freaked, thinking I was this little sex maniac in the making.

The “new” sex education - or indoctrination?

Today, the New York Times has a piece,  “Lesson on Homosexuality Move Into the Classroom” - here’s a snippet:

“After five years, one legal defeat and a challenge on the way, Montgomery County, Md., is at the frontier of sex education in the United States. This fall, barring last-minute court action, the county will offer lessons on homosexuality in its 8th- and 10th-grade health education courses.

To school officials, the lessons are a natural outgrowth of sex education and of teachings on tolerance and diversity. They consist of two heavily scripted, 45-minute lessons for each grade and a video demonstrating how to put on a condom. The lessons’ central message is respect and acceptance of the many permutations of sexual identity, both in others and in one’s self.” - New York Times 

Needless to say, I can’t think of anything more innapropriate.  No matter how much a kid knows about his/her body and sex, or how much they see it on TV or in the movies, they surely do not have to be trained that homosexuality is an option.  Especially at the age of sexual awakening, that time when there is a lot of confusion, and in many cases, experimentation. 

As sexually sophisticated as we believe contemporary kids are, they are still just kids.  If a kid “thinks” he’s gay because he has an innocent “boy/man crush” on someone - that doesn’t mean he is dyed in the wool gay.  If he isn’t yet interested in girls, or he happens to be fascinated with the adult male physique; again, it doesn’t necessarily follow that the kid is gay.  (My crazy mother thought my athletic brother was gay because he used to buy body-builder magazines - he just wanted to be Mr. Atlas!)  Adolescence is a time of great upheaval, emotionally, physically, psychologically, and to be sure - sexually.  Answer kid’s questions, but it is wrong to do the “TMI” (too much information) thing before they are ready.   

The Agenda

Sr. Lillian, God rest her soul, also told us that Communism would infiltrate our schools and universities, convents and rectories, every institution, sacred or civil.  She said that the aim would be to gradually, covertly indoctrinate people with socialist principles.  She said the first assault would occur in the breakdown of morality, that moral principles would be altered and confused, permitting the decline of good order.  (I thought she was nuts and wasn’t sure what the heck she was talking about.)

I’m not saying this is one big Communist plot, like Hilary Clinton does when she insists there is a massive ‘right wing conspiracy’ against she and her husband - but there are earmarks of an agenda perpetrated by some one or some organization.   It seems more than obvious to me that this type of sex education in our schools is not only an attempt to normalize the homosexual lifestyle, but also can become (intentionally or unitentionally)  a form of indoctrination into the lifestyle for the undecided.   Even when it is veiled under the title of Creating Safe Environments for LGBT students - A Catholic School Perspective, and in the establishment of LGBT clubs in our Catholic high schools, such as Cretin-Derham Hall in St. Paul, Minnesota has done.

I know - I’m going to get nailed for this one, but it seems to me it is just common sense.  To those who object to my views, I hope you can step away from your passions, your personal experiences, and your political agenda, and just look at this objectively.

That’s all. 

[Cartoon stolen from: Cosmos-Liturgy-Sex blog.] 

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Chicago.  

I got an email from a reader who attended the Courage conference last week in Chicago at Mundelein.  I was very impressed.  This man is ’still’ young, he is in his early 30’s.  Most young guys aren’t ready for chastity, not to mention leaving the homosexual lifestyle, until they get a bit older and their ‘market’ value has been undermined somewhat - or they just got tired of the gay scene.  That is not to say there is not an authentic conversion involved, it is just more difficult for a younger guy to imagine a life-long commitment to a life of chastity and devotion, as a viable alternative to the hedonistic gay culture.

Chastity.

Along with the so-called “chastity movement” amongst heterosexuals, anecdotal evidence suggests that organizations such as Courage are attracting younger men and women who have become dissatisfied with our sexualized culture.  Many realize the futility of using promiscuous behavior in a search for love and friendship through sexual intimacy in order stave off the pain of lonely isolation.

Emails. 

As I said, my friend wrote me a few emails regarding the Courage conference, here is the first:

terry -

the *courage* conference was an amazing experience of God’s love and grace.  i’m still reeling from the joy.  opening Mass was celebrated by cardinal archbishop george. 

and the one priest who, in my mind, is “Jesus with skin” was present.  the same priest who prayed over me w/a handful of others at last year’s conference in a healing service.  he was there again.  and he witnesses in such a quiet, powerful way.  i look at him, and he IS Christ for me.  he’s the encapsulation of masculinity, strength, love, gentleness, kindness, temperance, purity.  wow!  - From an email.

Healing. 

It is easy to appreciate the inclusion of a healing Mass and prayer service, because as with many sexual sins, it seems to me the sexual act is a symptom of a deeper malady.  For instance, auto-eroticism is called the “lonely” passion, indicating a deeper loneliness and sense of alienation.  Sin is alienation - from God, and from the Body of Christ.  It is disintegration because it separates the soul from God’s grace, thus widening  the dichotomy of soul and body, as much as it isolates us from one another.  In confession the guilt of sin is removed, God’s grace is restored, yet more deeply, the grace of healing is also actively  present.  The Eucharist and the priest’s prayer of healing, together work toward healing the root causes of sin, the original woundedness which is the source of every disorder.

Perhaps because of this interior woundedness, it seems to me - in some individuals - disordered tendencies and inclinations arise to assuage the pain of alienation and confusion.   Although complex, I wonder if in certain circumstances homosexuality affords an identity and validation for a person simply desiring same sex friendship and acceptance?  Whatever the cause, most people with SSA understand their homosexual inclination as their core identity.

Identity.

On some level, I think this isn’t the healthiest route to take in an effort to exit, or convert from the homosexual lifestyle.  In a certain sense, when a person consistently identifies as “gay” or focuses on his “gayness”, the thought keeps one there - and may even contribute towards greater vulnerability when temptation and loneliness comes along.  I think a person with SSA needs to move beyond identifying oneself solely by one’s sexual inclination, which informs how one relates to other men and women.

To be sure, a person who has lived the lifestyle for many years cannot change his personality, and shouldn’t be expected to do so.  I’m not suggesting that at all.  Neither am I suggesting a person needs reparative, or reversion therapy to make him “straight”.  I’m simply suggesting that one’s self image may need some adjustment - some healing.  After all, straight or gay, we are all male and female.

Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus.

It is imperative that all men and women find our authentic identity in Christ, the new Adam, who by his incarnation, passion, death and ressurection has forever transfigured, transformed  humanity - thus in Christ we are a new creation, as St. Paul affirms.  In the incarnation, through the power of the ressurection, Christ mirrors to us the new Adam.  Just as in his life and mission, Christ mirrors - better yet, reveals to us the Father.  Thus, the healing service offered by the priest at the Courage conference was such an important dimension for the participants, permitting them to experience the restorative grace of Christ’s love.

2nd email. 

Here is another email describing the experience: 

terry-

you should have seen the way he (Father) held the men at the conference during the healing service.  grown men wept for sadness turned to joy, burying their faces in the crook of his arm, as he held them tightly - one arm wrapped round their shoulder, the other on the back of their head, pressing them close.  and the look.  the look of his face.  a deep well of love.  not a trace of movability or sentimentality.  chiseled in stone but warm to the touch.  i think of him and he warms me.  he wows me entirely.  and it’s because of the Spirit of Christ that lives within him; hearthfires and holocausts banked down deep, emanating from his person in holy warmth. - From an email. 

Earlier my friend wrote:

terry- it was simply an amazing time.  the healing service in particular was especially moving.  i’m not charismatic, but i was so wonderfully moved.  i had a “one-on-one” healing after the ceremony with 4 persons praying over me.  terry, it was freaky.  in  a very good way.  i’m still so full of the joy and peace resulting from that.  no one and no thing is gonna be able to take Him away from me. - From an email. 

The Divine Physician. 

Does that sound odd how the priest acted?  I don’t think it should.  This priest was certainly acting in persona Christi to these men - he tangibly brought the healing power of Jesus into their lives.   The priest cited here is obviously not gay, yet that issue would never bother him, since his deep spirituality is so obvious.  He clearly understands sin as sin, as well as the need to heal the effects of sin - and more deeply, the healing of the original wounds that were the cause of the sinful behavior in the first place.  His embrace of the men in the healing service demonstrates his chaste love and security in his own masculinity, and of course, his priesthood.  In many cases, I think homosexuality is simply a corruption of the natural need and desire for same sex friendship and love, creating a wider disunity between persons, who are by nature and sacrament brothers and sisters.  Everything contrary to Christ militates against genuine love and unity, sin is the source of division and disintegration.  This priest’s loving embrace and acceptance of these men, dramatically affirms  Christ’s triumph over the devil’s work of alienation and disorientation.

For a first hand report of the conference, read “Courageman“, a blog by a Courage member who was in attendence.  [My email friend just sent the link to me.]  There is also a local chapter of Courage in the Twin Cities, but I’m told it has a different name, if local people are interested, you can call the Chancery for more information. 

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