Abbey-Roads2

Cries and whispers.

I read somewhere that it offends God if we pray, “O Lord, why was I even born?  It would have been better if I were never conceived.”  If you think that through, you can understand why it would offend Him.  But today’s Mass reading from Job is not offensive, because the prophet allows for his birth, his existence - which is a gift from God - though he wishes to forget that day.  He simply wonders, laments aloud his circumstances.  It is a cry from the depths of his very soul, moaning and weeping dry, brittle tears, in the terror of the night of faith…  Confronting false friends who accuse and contend with him, in their misguided efforts to console.

Why did you let me live?

I have often asked that… recalling those times when I was almost killed, or very sick: but only God can answer such a question.  It is similar to Job’s prayer:  “Why did I not perish at birth, come forth from the womb and expire?  Or why was I not buried away like an untimely birth, like babies who have never seen the light?”  And later he questions:  “Why is light given to the toilers, and life to the bitter in spirit?  They wait for death and it comes not; they search for it rather than for hidden treasures, rejoice in it exultingly…” (job 3)

“Rejoice in it exultantly…”

I think of that ending line in terms of what the mystics say about interior joy, though it is often not felt.  It is a mysterious grace in the midst of this long loneliness… difficult to grasp - perhaps impossible, until we meditate upon the quote from Job, St. Therese of the Child Jesus loved so much:  “Though He should kill me, I trust Him still.”  Trust.  Hope.  A certain interior joy is present in those words, poured out in love. 

And yet she cautioned her sisters to take the medicines away from the patients bed, lest, in their agony and longing for death, they use them to overdose and kill themselves.

This evening is the transitus of our little St. Therese of Lisieux, a saint who surely understands us in our failures, weaknesses, and sufferings. 

Failure.

According to John of the Cross it is a virtue…  He writes:  “To lose always and let everyone else win is the trait of valiant souls…” (Maxims #58)  I won’t go any further with the quote because he is obviously addressing perfect souls - not me.

If this had been done by an enemy… But it is you, my intimate friend!- Ps. 54

Nevertheless, coming to the realization of one’s failures and losses, seems to be the point where complete surrender to God and total abandonment can take place.  It seems I may have found myself there before, albeit after much difficulty and struggle, and constant failure in trying to avoid it.  Failures I would have blamed on others, or claimed as victories over my imagined enemies - never quite able to understand that my worst enemy was myself - therefore, pride and self-love became the support I relied on to maintain an illusion of self-respect and dignity.  (Although I cannot even be sure if I have hit that bottom yet.)

…the butt of men, laughing stock of the people.- Ps. 21 

Elsewhere, St. John writes:  “If you wish to glory in yourself, but do not wish to appear ignorant and foolish, discard the things that are not yours and you will have glory in what remains.  But certainly, if you discard what is not yours, nothing will be left, since you must not glory in anything if you do not want to fall into vanity.  But let us descend now especially to those graces, the gifts of which make men pleasing to God.  It is certain that you must not glory in these, for you do not even know if you possess them.”  (Maxims #44)

“I will not let you go until you bless me.” - Genesis 32:27

Sometimes people can pray for years and years for a certain intention; perhaps to gain control over a predominant fault, for the conversion of a relative, for the healing of a disease or illness, or to overcome an addiction, and so on.  In these cases, especially when there is great struggle, either between depression and hope, sin and repentance, confidence and doubt - whatever the case may be - it can often seem as if God is refusing to hear our prayer.  Yet the soul continues to implore God’s help - I believe this is when one’s prayer can seem to be a “wrestling with God”.  I’m also fairly certain there is a deeper issue at stake, much deeper than the obvious intention of the person praying, concerning the prayer’s very salvation.

I’m convinced that this wrestling, or rather, our perseverance in prayer, is essential to our sanctification.  It is the motive which keeps us clinging to God in hope.  In fact, it is certain that all of the virtues are strengthened in and through the struggles we encounter in life.  The story of Jacob’s nocturnal wrestling with the angel, may image for us this struggle, demonstrating how intimately engaged, intertwined as it were, with God the soul is - even in a state of crises.  Despite the intense struggle, Jacob refused to let go, insisting, “I will not let you go until you bless me.” 

Was Jacob blessed?  Yes, and he came away with a limp. 

The little Jesus likes to wrestle.

Maybe, for some of us, our struggles, our failures, our impairments, or our intense desire for the conversion of another, become the only means by which God can hold our attention and keep us clinging to him.  If all of our prayers were answered as we thought they should be, when we felt they should be, we might easily drift away from God in our complacency.  More importantly, we may not have acquired valuable self-knowledge nor experienced the mercy of God; perhaps more significantly, we may have missed opportunities to grow in confidence and love.

I often  think that the little Jesus likes to wrestle.  With some souls, such as little Therese, he seemed content to be asleep, apparently ignorant of her desires and aspirations, as if to test her patience and devotion.  With others, he delighted in showing them  their miseries in order that they might grow in self-knowledge and humility - in the light of his mercy of course.  In whatever manner he choses to “play” with us, he always does so for the good of our souls… even in the darkest night, and even when he permits us to be wounded.  While he delights to hear us say - “I will not let you go until you bless me.”

And sometimes, if we listen very closely to the silence in the night, we may hear his little voice whisper, “Since he clings to me in love, I will free him…” - Psalm 90:14

Common mystic prayer. 

From Fr, Longenecker: 

“Everything seemed suspended for a moment. Was it a moment or was it an eternity? The crucifix before seemed luminous. Then as I gazed at the bread and the chalice they seemed to be one with the crucifix and they all took on a different dimension. It was like they opened up. A window or a door opened onto light. This makes it sound like what I experienced was somehow ethereal or ’spiritual.’ It was the opposite. Everything was far more concrete, far more solid and shared in a greater dimensionality than I can express, and the words came into my mind, “This is Reality.”" - Source

Father’s experience reminds me of St. Teresa Benedicta’s (Edith Stein) reaction after reading the Life of St. Teresa of Avila; “This is truth!”

I love the Rosary, I have been devoted to it since my earliest youth; simply praying “Hail Mary”, “Our Father”, and “Glory Be” - before I memorized the complete prayers.  Sadly, I fell away from the practice of praying the daily Rosary during high school - until my conversion.  When I returned to the Church in 1972, I immediately was drawn to pray the Rosary.  I experienced frequent dreams of Our Lady of the Rosary with her back to me until I began to recite it once again - every day. 

A few years later, I fell back into my old ways, and lived in sin for a short time, convinced I was unable to live a faithful life.  Nevertheless, I continued to pray the Rosary everyday.  Very, very quickly, things turned around.  Hence, I know by experience how efficacious the Holy Rosary is.  If there is any sin you want to avoid, or habitual sin you want to overcome, or even if you see no way out of a life of sin - persevere in praying Our Lady’s Rosary. 

It is like rehab for the soul.   And so remember you Amy Winehouse you - sick people go into rehab - so you don’t have to be holy to start praying the Rosary. 

And sinners.

I’ve been thinking of Lourdes daily since February 11th, thanks to my Magnificat - the apparition of Our Lady to St. Bernadette is depicted on the cover of the prayerbook.  The apparitions took place every day from February 11 until the feast of the Annunciation in 1858.  (On this date, February 18, Our Lady asked Bernadette to return every day for a fortnight.)  The last apparition occurred on July 16th, feast of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel, which seemed to presage Fatima, since in Our Lady’s last appearance there, she appeared clothed as Our Lady of Mt. Carmel.  Carmel signifies penance, and in both apparitions Our Lady called for penance and prayers for sinners.

Our Lady is most definitely the Refuge of Sinners, and her apparitions are always missions of love, pleading for souls, and asking for penance and prayer for the conversion of sinners.  She told Bernadette she could “not promise her happiness in this life, but only in the next.”   When questioned what the Holy Virgin meant by sinners, or rather, what is a sinner, Bernadette answered, “A person who loves sin.”

Obstinate sinners.

I have always been fascinated by St. Bernadette’s very simple explanation, and it has helped me understand the gravity of sin and its consequences.  To be obstinate in loving sin, one must essentially reject God and the right order of good - that is, the Law of God.  Mortal sin makes man an enemy of God.  Every mortal sin we commit insults God by rebellion or disobedience, by lack of gratitude for his gifts, in contempt for God.  To persist in sin is what it means to be obstinate in sin, and therefore a sinner, or “one who loves sin.”  This may sound  strange,  but many sinners may love the pleasure of sin, yet hate the sin itself - habitual sinners would understand that.  In addition, habitual sinners are not always obstinate sinners.

Our Lady understands well that life on earth is indeed “a vale of tears”, as we say in her prayer, and the Blessed Virgin knows that “nothing the world affords comes from the Father.”- (Jn 2:16)  The Blessed Mother  also respects man’s free will, and she recognizes that man’s tendency is for good, hence the Blessed Virgin has compassion on our feeble attempts at charity, as well as our longing for love, no matter how disordered.   Therefore, as she explained to Bernadette, she seeks to correct our mistaken notions of fulfillment  when she told the saint,  “I cannot make you happy in this world, but only in the next.”  That is not to say our life on earth is joyless at all, in fact, living according to the commandments and loving God is the only source of genuine happiness on earth, as Jesus taught us.

True happiness.

“Anyone who loves me will be true to my word, and my father will love him; we will come to him and make our dwelling place with him.”(Jn 14:23)  That is heaven on earth!  The beginning of eternal beatitude.  Jesus consoles us further:

“My peace is my gift to you; I do not give it to you as the world gives peace.” (Jn 14:27)  The world’s peace is false and unstable, thus leading  souls untroubled along the easy way that leads to hell.  Jesus encourages faithful souls when he says:

“Live on in my love.  You will live in my love if you keep my commandments, even as I have kept my Father’s commandments, and live in his love.  All this I tell you that my joy may be yours and your joy may be complete.”(Jn. 15:10-11)  Thus we understand what Our Lady’s instruction to Bernadette meant when she said, “I cannot make you happy in this world, but only in the next.”   Bernadette suffered throughout her life, no doubt, yet she also experienced supernatural joy.   Our Lady taught her the true road of happiness, illuminating her on the difference between the sinner’s contentment, and the joy and peace which is the lot of those who repent and submit to God. 

Vain rejoicing. 

On the other hand, the sinner vainly seeks his happiness and fulfilment in worldly compromise.  Rebelling against God, he perverts the law and the prophets according to his own design.  Or rejecting them all together, he refuses obedience to God, and justifies his sin with worldly wisdom that is foolishness in the sight of God.  Self-satisfaction with his cleverness, leads to a complacency misunderstood as peace of conscience… the false and dangerous peace of the world.  As the psalmist affirms, “Sin speaks to the sinner in the depths of his heart.  There is no fear of God before his eyes.  He so flatters himself in his mind, that he knows not his guilt.”(Ps. 35)

The love of the Mother of God compels her to roam the earth seeking sinners, weeping and mourning in this vale of tears, pleading with us to pray and sacrifice for their conversion.  We must heed Our Lady’s call to penance and pray for the conversion of sinners.  A soul who loves sin,  is in danger of condemning himself to hell forever.  It is the worst calamity in the world.  Such souls need to be brought before the Holy Virgin, refuge of obstinate sinners; she can refuse no one who has recourse to her, neither the sinner, or the repentant sinner praying for his brother.  

[Photo credit: Hallowed Ground]

Some thoughts for the feast of St.Francis De Sales.

At various times throughout my life I have been exceedingly  diligent in practicing prayer;  praying the Liturgy of the Hours, devoting x amount of time to Lectio Divina, practicing mental prayer, “getting in”  my hours of adoration, praying the daily Rosary, and so on.  Not unlike a child who uses “Sacrifice Beads” I was content, and maybe a bit proud, that “I got everything in” for the day.  On occasion, after making ‘my quota’, I often indulged myself that evening - not necessarily sinfully, but I certainly had a good time.  (Didn’t we D.!)

We can fool ourselves by an observant lifestyle, with all the outward appearances of holiness, yet within, we unwittingly remain open to innumerable opportunities for vice.  Oftentimes, we are not even aware of our own propensity for sin.  Because we are self-satisfied with our religious observance?  Maybe.

Which is often why God allows some people to fall repeatedly into serious sin.  He loves humility, and no matter how difficult the truth is, he desires we come to know it.  Some people think orthodoxy and fidelity to a regular routine of devotion ensures that a person is infallibly on the right track for holiness.  That should  be the case - yet sometimes it isn’t always the irrefutable sign.  Prayer and fidelity is much more a matter of the heart, and most definitely the will.  Sometimes, we may pray like angels, and perform good works like the saints, but our hearts can remain detached from God. 

St. Francis on prayer:

First, let us remark in passing that, although we condemn certain heretics of our time who hold that prayer is useless, we nevertheless do not hold  with other heretics that it alone suffices for our justification. We say simply that it is so useful and necessary that without it we could not come to any good, seeing that by means of prayer we are shown how to perform all our actions well. I have therefore consented to the desire which urges me to speak of prayer, even though it is not my intention to explain every aspect of it because we learn it more by experience than by being taught.

Moreover, it matters little to know the kind of prayer. Actually, I would prefer that you never ask the name or the kind of prayer you are
experiencing because, as St. Antony says, that prayer is imperfect in which one is aware that one is praying. Also, prayer which one makes without knowing how one is doing it, and without reflecting on what one is asking for, shows clearly that such a soul is very much occupied with God and that, consequently, this prayer is excellent. - Sermon for the Third Sunday of Lent

“I will not let you go until you bless me.” - Genesis 32:27

Sometimes people can pray for years and years for a certain intention; perhaps to gain control over a predominant fault, for the conversion of a relative, for the healing of a disease or illness, or to overcome an addiction, and so on.  In these cases, especially when there is great struggle, either between depression and hope, sin and repentance, confidence and doubt - whatever the case may be - it can often seem as if God is refusing to hear our prayer.  Yet the soul continues to implore God’s help - I believe this is when one’s prayer can seem to be a “wrestling with God”.  I’m also fairly certain there is a deeper issue at stake, much deeper than the obvious intention of the person praying, concerning the prayer’s very salvation.

I’m convinced that this wrestling, or rather, our perseverance in prayer, is essential to our sanctification.  It is the motive which keeps us clinging to God in hope.  In fact, it is certain that all of the virtues are strengthened in and through the struggles we encounter in life.  The story of Jacob’s nocturnal wrestling with the angel, may image for us this struggle, demonstrating how intimately engaged, intertwined as it were,with God the soul is - even in a state of crises.  Despite the intense struggle, Jacob refused to let go, insisting, “I will not let you go until you bless me.”

The little Jesus likes to wrestle.

Maybe, for some of us, our struggles, our failures, our impairments, or our intense desire for the conversion of another, become the only means by which God can hold our attention and keep us clinging to him.  If all of our prayers were answered as we thought they should be, when we felt they should be, we might easily drift away from God in our complacency.  More importantly, we may not have acquired valuable self-knowledge nor experienced the mercy of God; perhaps more significantly, we may have missed opportunities to grow in confidence and love.

I often  think that the little Jesus likes to wrestle.  With some souls, such as little Therese, he seemed content to be asleep, apparently ignorant of her desires and aspirations, as if to test her patience and devotion.  With others, he delighted in showing them  their miseries in order that they might grow in self-knowledge and humility - in the light of his mercy of course.  In whatever manner he choses to “play” with us, he always does so for the good of our souls… even in the darkest night, and even when he permits us to be wounded.  While he delights to hear us say - “I will not let you go until you bless me.”

And sometimes, if we listen very closely to the silence in the night, we may hear his little voice whisper, “Since he clings to me in love, I will free him…” - Psalm 90:14

[Art: "St. John of God" - Cuzco School.] 

Popularly known as Thomas Merton. 

Every once in a while I will re-read some of Thomas Merton’s early writings.  I was never a huge Merton fan, but I usually appreciated what he wrote.  Nevertheless, his writings rarely edified me or moved me to devotion as other spiritual writers had.  Of course his writings are insightful, informative, and provocative, but he seemed to be the antithesis of devotion.  I would guess this is because Merton was more of an intellectual than a mystic, although others will disagree.  Many of his followers consider him a mystic, and of course, they would know better than I do since I haven’t read all of his works.

Having said that, I find Merton much more interesting now that I am older and prayer is dry and crusty.  I was reading snippets of Seeds of Contemplation  at Barnes and Noble the other day.  I think he wrote well of what contemplative prayer is all about - in a practical sort of way.  I didn’t buy the book because I had another one by him at home, Contemplative Prayer - so I decided to read that again first.

The renewal of religious life and prayer.

Almost immediately upon opening the book, I think I could see where Merton began to drift toward Oriental mysticism, in fact his approach to monastic prayer does seem almost Zen-like.  Nevertheless, he was far too intelligent to confuse the two.  I could also see the seeds of religious experimentation in his writing.  In the Introduction and the first chapter he makes a few allusions to the renewal of religious life and experimentation.  It was 1968 and the “cultural upheaval” - as Benedict XVI calls it - was in process.

Merton wrote:  “The purpose of monastic renewal and reform is to find ways in which monks and nuns can remain true to their vocation by deepening and developing it in new ways, not merely sacrificing their lives to bolster up antique structures, but channeling their efforts into the creation of new forms of monastic life, new areas of contemplative experience.”  - Contemplative Prayer

Merton and tradition.

While what he said is true, in hind sight we can see how the “channeling” thing went for not a few religious houses - contemplative or not.  Some communities “sacrificed” the entire structure and today are barely discernible as Roman Catholic institutes.  It is interesting that in his early work, Merton seems to have had little affinity with Oriental styles  of prayer, and especially would have opposed “centering prayer”.  He bristles at the suggestion that the contemplation of the hesychasts of Eastern Orthodox monasticism is similar to yoga.  He wrote:

“Nothing is more foreign to authentic monastic and contemplative tradition in the Church than a kind of gnosticism which would elevate the contemplative above the ordinary Christian by initiating him into a realm of esoteric knowledge and experience, delivering him from ordinary sufferings, elevating him to a privileged state of being, and no longer familiar with the economy of the sacraments, charity, and the Cross.” - Contemplative Prayer

Notice how traditional his understanding of contemplative prayer was.  I think Thomas Merton was very much a traditionalist at heart - but like I said, I’ve never read his later works.