Abbey-Roads2

 Boy friends.

GN: You said they (men leaving homosexuality) need close male relationships. How can men struggling with homosexual feelings have a close male relationship without those feelings becoming sexual?

Joseph Nicolosi:  Well, he’s going to have those feelings. No doubt about it. And he shouldn’t be afraid of those feelings but he has to learn how to translate those feelings into authentic friendship.

One of the questions I often ask a man just beginning therapy, I will say to him, “Have you had the experience of being sexually attracted to a guy but when you got to know him as a person and a friend, the sexual attraction disappeared?” And they almost always say, “Yes.” And I ask, “Why do you think that was so?”

They have no answer for it. Because they have translated the mystique and there is no more sexual energy there. It is now a friendship and when you develop that kind of brotherly feeling, the idea of having sex is absurd. That’s exactly the process they have to go through time and time again until all men seem like just other guys and there is nothing sexual about them. - Source

My response.

Over the years I have observed that the same sex couples I’ve known, really became more friends or brothers than lovers.  If sexual relations continued in their relationship, it had to be supplemented by pornography, drugs, promiscuous behavior, or sharing sex partners.  More often than not, the relationship appeared to turn into what could only be termed a co-dependent attachment, rather than an union or marriage in the typical understanding of those terms.

On the other hand, I once met a couple of men who had decided to live together chastely in order to be able to receive the sacraments.  Accepting Catholic teaching regarding same-sex activities,  their partnership turned into a very deep friendship and they lived together as brothers, devoting themselves to prayer and good works.  They have been together now for over 30 years, while they have maintained loyalty to Christ and one another as chaste celibates for over 28 years.  Fr. Benedict Groeschl once referred to their situation as “their own little Courage group”.  

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I thought homosexual inclination is not a sin?

It isn’t.  The Church recognizes homosexual sex as disordered and sinful, yet the inclination itself is not sinful… however disordered.  The Church does not ask the homosexual to change his orientation, simply to refrain from acting out - to remain chaste and avoid sin.  In fact, the organization “Courage” was formed to help men and women to live chaste and celibate lives in accord with Church teaching.

Gay and Catholic bloggers.

There are several Catholic websites operated by Catholic persons with homosexual inclination - some in accord with Church teaching, others not so much - if at all.  One faithful website is “Eve Tushnet”, I don’t read her or another popular site, “Dreadnought” mainly because I find them hard to read - much of the time I don’t know what they are talking about.  However, once while reading Tushnet I happened upon a comment she made explaining that she doesn’t waste time trying to figure out why she is same sex attracted.  I was surprised by that.  Especially since self-knowledge is so fundamental to the developmental and maturation process of persons, not to mention that it (humility) is the foundation of an authentic spiritual life.

Perhaps I misunderstand the gay Catholics.

That said, I have always held the opinion that if a person seeking to leave the homosexual lifestyle continues to identify as “gay” this in fact keeps the person attached to the lifestyle.  A great push is on for homosexuality to be considered natural, claiming a person is born gay - that it is a sort of “third way” or natural variant, and so on.  Obviously taking that approach leaves the door open for approving same sex behaviors, ss dating, ss civil unions and marriage.  In secular culture at least.  However, when Catholics cling to a homosexual identity within the Church, it seems to me they may be unconsciously contributing to the same line of thought and thereby affecting Church teaching to some extent.  (IMHO)

NARTH

Fr. Harvey, one of the founders of Courage has always said that for some people (maybe most) a complete change of orientation is not possible - this might especially apply to older men and women who have lived a gay life for most of their lives, as well as some others.  Yet chastity and celibacy, even in a same sex friendship is indeed possible.  Truth be told, some highly motivated persons can and do change their sexual orientation, even though the Church does not require them to do so.

Dr. Joseph Nicolosi. 

I came across this information in my reserch on the subject, and more recently while researching “defensive detachment”.  Dr. Nicolosi has pioneered the studies in this field, and although I’ve not read his work before, I came across a very enlightening interview, especially as it considers the origins of homosexuality in some persons.  I’ll post excerpts here:

Interview:

The Good News: What is homosexuality and how do you define it?

Joseph Nicolosi:Homosexuality is a developmental disorder. It has nothing to do with sex. It’s really the person’s search for belonging, what we call the three “As” attention, affection and approval. These are the normal, emotional affectional needs, which have been sexualized.

GN: In your book Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality, you use the expression “non-gay homosexual.” What exactly is meant by that?

JN: Well, we make a distinction between homosexual and gay. Unfortunately, too many people think they’re synonymous and that’s due to the success of the gay activists who have sold people on the idea that to be homosexual means they’re automatically gay.

But there is a population we’re concerned with, in particular, whom we call the non-gay homosexual, which is to say they have same-sex attractions, they have same-sex feelings, and they even engage in same-sex behavior, but they do not identify with the gay sociopolitical identity. They see themselves as having heterosexual values and want to live a heterosexual life.

GN: Is it possible to change from homosexual to heterosexual?

JN: Yes. There are many studies that show many men and women do come out of homosexuality. We see more and more of the evidence, more and more of those studies; and if the person is highly motivated there is a very good chance that he or she can come out of homosexuality.

GN: How do you help someone who wants to change?

JN:They have to begin to understand the origins of their homosexuality. It’s not about sex. These are emotional needs, and in therapy you direct the client to address these emotional needs. These needs usually go back to the father - not having enough of the father’s love, enough of the father’s affirmation, and they begin to get these needs met in more authentic ways, ways that really transform a person rather than the sexual, which is a kind of repetitive and nonproductive attempt at meeting those emotional needs. - Hope For Homosexuals

Makes sense to me.  I also find it interesting that Nicolosi states that homosexuality has nothing to do with sex (obviously it does superficially); his statement reminds me of what experts say about rape - that it has nothing to do with sex, but rather power and the humiliation of the victim.

Art: The Rape of Ganymede

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Courage

Courage is related to the virtue of fortitude.  As Garrigou-Lagrange writes; “Fortitude is the moral virtue which strengthens the soul in the pursuit of the difficult good so that it does not allow itself to be shaken by the greatest obstacles.  It should dominate the fear of danger, fatigue, criticism, and all that would paralyze our efforts toward the good.  It prevents a man from capitulating in a cowardly manner when he should fight - it also moderates audacity and untimely exaltation which would drive him to temerity.”-  III Ages 

As one considers the meaning of these terms on a deeper spiritual level, keeping in mind that what is most important in life is our sanctification and the salvation of souls, a person may more easily put into perspective some of the moral struggles each of us face in our pilgrimage.  While recognizing the need for divine grace; through perseverance in prayer, penance, and above all, the sacraments.

“The principle act of fortitude is endurance…” - St. Thomas

“Fortitude has two principal acts: to undertake courageously and to endure difficult things.  The Christian should endure them for the love of God; it is more difficult to endure for a long time than, in  moments of enthusiasm (fervor), to undertake something difficult.” - III Ages

This is often the case when one is required to live chastely and celibately, especially if one is inclined to habits  of auto-eroticism, or temptations associated with same sex attraction, and/or fantasizes or acts out homosexually.  Such a battle can be long and difficult for the young, and requires patient endurance, even if in one’s first fervor one was initially confident he had overcome these tendencies.  Nevertheless, as the philosopher says, if a man is overcome in his battle(s), “he is to be pardoned if he struggles against them.”

“Fortitude is accompanied by patience to endure the sorrows of life without being disturbed and without murmuring (without self-pity), by longanimity which endures trials for a long time, and by constancy in good, which is opposed to obduracy in evil.”- III Ages 

The vice of effeminacy and perseverance.

It is very difficult for the effeminate to endure the long struggle against inordinate affection and avoid sins against chastity.  I believe the primary cause of failure can be attributed to the degree of attachment to the pleasures derived from sinful sexual and/or emotional gratification, as well as the lack of courage to persevere in the struggle against it.  I found the following from St. Thomas Aquinas on the subject:

“…Perseverance is deserving of praise because thereby a man does not forsake a good on account of long endurance of difficulties and toils: and it is directly opposed to this, seemingly, for a man to be ready to forsake a good on account of difficulties which he cannot endure. This is what we understand by effeminacy, because a thing is said to be “soft” if it readily yields to the touch. Now a thing is not declared to be soft through yielding to a heavy blow, for walls yield to the battering-ram. Wherefore a man is not said to be effeminate if he yields to heavy blows. Hence the Philosopher says (Ethic. vii, 7) that “it is no wonder, if a person is overcome by strong and overwhelming pleasures or sorrows; but he is to be pardoned if he struggles against them.” Now it is evident that fear of danger is more impelling than the desire of pleasure: wherefore Tully says (De Offic. i) under the heading “True magnanimity consists of two things: It is inconsistent for one who is not cast down by fear, to be defeated by lust, or who has proved himself unbeaten by toil, to yield to pleasure.” Moreover, pleasure itself is a stronger motive of attraction than sorrow, for the lack of pleasure is a motive of withdrawal, since lack of pleasure is a pure privation. Wherefore, according to the Philosopher (Ethic. vii, 7), properly speaking an effeminate man is one who withdraws from good on account of sorrow caused by lack of pleasure, yielding as it were to a weak motion. - St. Thomas  

“When you come to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for trials.” 

From this exposition, it seems to me we might more easily understand why a man would abandon the struggle and give into homosexual inclination, or even return to such a lifestyle.  Many do not realize the cost, much less the long duration the struggle sometimes requires, and they succumb to the erroneous belief it (gay life) is God’s will.  “Do not then surrender your confidence; it will have great reward.  You need patience to do God’s will and receive what he has promised.” - Hebrews 10:35-36 

(Please understand, I’m using the word effeminate in more philosophical/theological terms.  Effeminacy is a vice opposed to manliness, as cowardice is to courage.  Although I do reference it in connection with homosexuality, I do so only to show how it is opposed to the virtue of fortitude and magnanimity.  It is not to be confused with, or limited to, modern definitions associated with outward feminine mannerisms or behavior.)

Art:  St. Sebastian, Martyr.  If Sebastian is to be a patron for people who suffer homosexual tendencies - then he ought to represent the virtue of fortitude and perseverance needed to give testimony to a truth of faith and the grandeur of Christian virtue, lived in opposition to transitory worldly values. 

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Change. 

Alcoholics usually hate it when a drinking buddy decides to quit drinking, and they definitely hate drinking heavily in front of a recovered alcoholic.  Unless of course they were like my dad, who told people they just thought they were alcoholics and they should just give in and have a drink with him - to be social.  Because an alcoholic’s best friend is drink, losing a drinking buddy is not the end of the world for them.

However, there is something in human nature that inclines all  of us to want to keep our companions, who support or enable us in some fault or weakness we find ourselves inordinately attached to.  Think of the gossip whose friend tells her she doesn’t want to hear or discuss that stuff any longer.  She may think to herself,  ‘Who will I tell these things to?  What will I talk about?  I’m all alone now.’  That is pretty simplistic, but I’m sure you get my point.

Symptoms of loneliness and heartache.

These fears may be intensified for the gay person whose friend announces he is going to quit the lifestyle, go into therapy, or even get married.  One fellow told me that after two of his friends actually fell in love (with women) and got married, he felt betrayed by them.  The three of them had been friends since grade school, and after college they went out to gay bars together - they were inseparable friends.  It was not long before the man’s two friends got tired of the gay scene, the drugs and drinking, and casual sex, and began going to church.  To make a long story short - his friends became more religious, each met a woman and fell in love, and both of them got married and have families today.

Much later, the forsaken friend was able to admit that he was angry with his friends, not only had they betrayed him by “going straight” - he felt abandoned by them as well.  He said he feared being alone and felt like an outcast because of his sexual orientation.  They would be normal now, and he would always be abnormal.  They would find happiness, fulfillment, and acceptance, while he would always be the outsider, the “interesting”  or “fun” one, but never “one of them”.  He rejected his friends, only keeping in touch through Christmas cards and birthday cards. 

Ex-gays expose the fears and insecurities of gay culture.

That is pretty extreme and an isolated case, yet it seems to me it may also be an unconscious motivation for gay people who virulently reject what is termed the “ex-gay movement”.  That is, men and women who have left the homosexual lifestyle, and through reparative therapy, come to accept their heterosexuality.  The folks who are successful are highly motivated to change, and although not all people may be able to overcome SSA issues entirely, many go on to live their lives with greater freedom of spirit.  Again, the Catholic Church does not require individuals to change their orientation, rather to live chastely and celibately.

Isn’t that special.

That said, I think the self-conscious-uniqueness  of being gay, reaffirmed by an artificial and separate cultural identity, helps to foster a sort of fundamentalist conviction that homosexuality is a natural variant of human sexuality.  Therefore the  ”gay community” promotes “coming out” as an act of solidarity amongst active homosexuals, who otherwise,  for a large majority,  led more or less quiet, normal lives prior to the late 1960’s.  The idea of safety and community, as well as power in numbers, led to the coming out campaign and gay activisim, based upon the feminist and civil rights movement. 

Any deviation from the agenda threatens the gay political movement which seeks parity for homosexuals with heterosexuals as far as marriage and family rights concerns,  and so on.  Hence, the ex-gay possibility is perceived as a heretical and rebellious act by proponents of the gay agenda.  I’m convinced the resistance of gay people to the idea is similar to the story above, of the man whose friends left the gay lifestyle to marry women, while he took it personally as a betrayal of their friendship.  

Soul Deep. 

Anyway - this lengthy analysis has been my introduction to the following article on Lifesite which deals with the issue of ex-gays:

ARLINGTON, VA, May 7, 2008 (LifeSiteNews.com) - Individuals who once considered themselves homosexuals but who have since left the lifestyle, often remain silent about their past life due to persecution from homosexual activists, an ABC News video revealed on Monday.

“A person may not be happy being gay, has anyone ever thought of that?” asked “David,” an anonymous man who has overcome his homosexual inclinations, on ABC News.

“I’ve found feelings could change,” David added.

Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays and Gays (PFOX) observed that “David’s” desire for anonymity reflects the wide-scale persecution individuals like him face from those supportive of homosexuality.

“Many ex-gays are afraid to come out of the closet because of the harassment they will receive - their names, phone numbers and personal information posted on gay websites, attacked at ex-gay exhibit booths, press releases issued against them, etc,” stated PFOX.

“The tactics of gay activists are to go after anyone who comes out publicly as ex-gay, force them back into the closet, and then claim that ex-gays don’t exist because there aren’t any out in public.” - Lifesite News 

Check out Abbey-Roads for a Will and Grace segment on the topic - it’s funny.  Oops!  People were offended so I took it down.

PFOX - parents and friends of ex-gays.  (I only know about them through Lifesite.)

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Chicago.  

I got an email from a reader who attended the Courage conference last week in Chicago at Mundelein.  I was very impressed.  This man is ’still’ young, he is in his early 30’s.  Most young guys aren’t ready for chastity, not to mention leaving the homosexual lifestyle, until they get a bit older and their ‘market’ value has been undermined somewhat - or they just got tired of the gay scene.  That is not to say there is not an authentic conversion involved, it is just more difficult for a younger guy to imagine a life-long commitment to a life of chastity and devotion, as a viable alternative to the hedonistic gay culture.

Chastity.

Along with the so-called “chastity movement” amongst heterosexuals, anecdotal evidence suggests that organizations such as Courage are attracting younger men and women who have become dissatisfied with our sexualized culture.  Many realize the futility of using promiscuous behavior in a search for love and friendship through sexual intimacy in order stave off the pain of lonely isolation.

Emails. 

As I said, my friend wrote me a few emails regarding the Courage conference, here is the first:

terry -

the *courage* conference was an amazing experience of God’s love and grace.  i’m still reeling from the joy.  opening Mass was celebrated by cardinal archbishop george. 

and the one priest who, in my mind, is “Jesus with skin” was present.  the same priest who prayed over me w/a handful of others at last year’s conference in a healing service.  he was there again.  and he witnesses in such a quiet, powerful way.  i look at him, and he IS Christ for me.  he’s the encapsulation of masculinity, strength, love, gentleness, kindness, temperance, purity.  wow!  - From an email.

Healing. 

It is easy to appreciate the inclusion of a healing Mass and prayer service, because as with many sexual sins, it seems to me the sexual act is a symptom of a deeper malady.  For instance, auto-eroticism is called the “lonely” passion, indicating a deeper loneliness and sense of alienation.  Sin is alienation - from God, and from the Body of Christ.  It is disintegration because it separates the soul from God’s grace, thus widening  the dichotomy of soul and body, as much as it isolates us from one another.  In confession the guilt of sin is removed, God’s grace is restored, yet more deeply, the grace of healing is also actively  present.  The Eucharist and the priest’s prayer of healing, together work toward healing the root causes of sin, the original woundedness which is the source of every disorder.

Perhaps because of this interior woundedness, it seems to me - in some individuals - disordered tendencies and inclinations arise to assuage the pain of alienation and confusion.   Although complex, I wonder if in certain circumstances homosexuality affords an identity and validation for a person simply desiring same sex friendship and acceptance?  Whatever the cause, most people with SSA understand their homosexual inclination as their core identity.

Identity.

On some level, I think this isn’t the healthiest route to take in an effort to exit, or convert from the homosexual lifestyle.  In a certain sense, when a person consistently identifies as “gay” or focuses on his “gayness”, the thought keeps one there - and may even contribute towards greater vulnerability when temptation and loneliness comes along.  I think a person with SSA needs to move beyond identifying oneself solely by one’s sexual inclination, which informs how one relates to other men and women.

To be sure, a person who has lived the lifestyle for many years cannot change his personality, and shouldn’t be expected to do so.  I’m not suggesting that at all.  Neither am I suggesting a person needs reparative, or reversion therapy to make him “straight”.  I’m simply suggesting that one’s self image may need some adjustment - some healing.  After all, straight or gay, we are all male and female.

Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus.

It is imperative that all men and women find our authentic identity in Christ, the new Adam, who by his incarnation, passion, death and ressurection has forever transfigured, transformed  humanity - thus in Christ we are a new creation, as St. Paul affirms.  In the incarnation, through the power of the ressurection, Christ mirrors to us the new Adam.  Just as in his life and mission, Christ mirrors - better yet, reveals to us the Father.  Thus, the healing service offered by the priest at the Courage conference was such an important dimension for the participants, permitting them to experience the restorative grace of Christ’s love.

2nd email. 

Here is another email describing the experience: 

terry-

you should have seen the way he (Father) held the men at the conference during the healing service.  grown men wept for sadness turned to joy, burying their faces in the crook of his arm, as he held them tightly - one arm wrapped round their shoulder, the other on the back of their head, pressing them close.  and the look.  the look of his face.  a deep well of love.  not a trace of movability or sentimentality.  chiseled in stone but warm to the touch.  i think of him and he warms me.  he wows me entirely.  and it’s because of the Spirit of Christ that lives within him; hearthfires and holocausts banked down deep, emanating from his person in holy warmth. - From an email. 

Earlier my friend wrote:

terry- it was simply an amazing time.  the healing service in particular was especially moving.  i’m not charismatic, but i was so wonderfully moved.  i had a “one-on-one” healing after the ceremony with 4 persons praying over me.  terry, it was freaky.  in  a very good way.  i’m still so full of the joy and peace resulting from that.  no one and no thing is gonna be able to take Him away from me. - From an email. 

The Divine Physician. 

Does that sound odd how the priest acted?  I don’t think it should.  This priest was certainly acting in persona Christi to these men - he tangibly brought the healing power of Jesus into their lives.   The priest cited here is obviously not gay, yet that issue would never bother him, since his deep spirituality is so obvious.  He clearly understands sin as sin, as well as the need to heal the effects of sin - and more deeply, the healing of the original wounds that were the cause of the sinful behavior in the first place.  His embrace of the men in the healing service demonstrates his chaste love and security in his own masculinity, and of course, his priesthood.  In many cases, I think homosexuality is simply a corruption of the natural need and desire for same sex friendship and love, creating a wider disunity between persons, who are by nature and sacrament brothers and sisters.  Everything contrary to Christ militates against genuine love and unity, sin is the source of division and disintegration.  This priest’s loving embrace and acceptance of these men, dramatically affirms  Christ’s triumph over the devil’s work of alienation and disorientation.

For a first hand report of the conference, read “Courageman“, a blog by a Courage member who was in attendence.  [My email friend just sent the link to me.]  There is also a local chapter of Courage in the Twin Cities, but I’m told it has a different name, if local people are interested, you can call the Chancery for more information. 

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